


If We Love Again

by exoccult



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Historical, Ancient History, Ancient Korea, Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Rebirth, Reincarnation, Smut, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 17:50:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11949501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exoccult/pseuds/exoccult
Summary: Before there was Yixing, there was Chanyeol, and Jongdae wondered why he had never seen it before.





	If We Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> To the Prompter: I am terribly sorry, please forgive me - I had literally no idea what I was doing. Thank you to Y for dragging me into this mess and to my beta & best friend L for the encouragement. And to the mods for hosting this fest, thank you.

I.

He had no idea what triggered it, but in one single moment, the memories of another came flooding to him as if they were his own. Within an instant, Kim Jongdae was no longer just the famous singer of EXO. No, no, everything was different now, because he _remembered_ who he is, who he _was_.

Recollections of another life gathered in his mind as suddenly as the start of the war from the time in which he was first born. Nearly every memory of another lifetime returned in the rush of a simple heartbeat and while he was left to wonder about the missing pieces, it was enough for him to realize that this was _real_. These memories were somehow… _His_.

And as crazy as it all seemed to be to him, there were parts of his life that were now beginning to make sense. The recurring, vivid dreams of himself living in the past, his major deja vu during history lessons and the ghost pains he often experienced from injuries he had never experienced… They were all part of who he was in the past that had been leaking into his current life.

Perhaps, most importantly, Jongdae was beginning to understand _why_ he felt so, so strongly for a certain friend. Deep down, he knew he was falling… He was falling hard for someone he thought he should have never had feelings for in the first place. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop his heart. But he understood it now. Because he remembered. He _finally_ remembered.

“Jongdae,” Yixing shook his shoulders, pulling the younger from the depths of his thoughts.

Jongdae looked up with all of the sorrow of another existence, his eyes full of unshed tears and he nearly sobbed when his gaze met with Yixing’s, “Hyung,” he choked out.

The tears that rolled down Jongdae’s cheeks startled Yixing for a moment. He was unsure where these tears were coming from and why it was that Jongdae looked so shaken to seem him. Had they not just been talking just moments before? Had Jongdae truly become so spaced out that he would be shocked like this? For a brief second, Yixing pained to see Jongdae like that - vulnerable, helpless, hurt. So, he did the only thing he knew, in order to comfort his dearest friend.

Jongdae broke into a full lament as Yixing pulled him into his chest, the protective warmth encased him so that he felt _safe_. His fingers shakily twisted into the fabric of Yixing’s shirt and he cried as the elder affectionately pet his hair and rubbed soothing circles into his back. Whispered words were cooed into his ear and he tried so hard, he really did, to calm down. But how could he when Yixing was there, _with him_?

Yixing, his bandmate.

Yixing, his best friend.

Yixing, who _didn’t_ remember.

Then it hit him, almost as hard as the memories had - Yixing did _not remember_. Yixing, the closest person to him, had no idea why Jongdae was crying and Jongdae had no excuse to explain why he suddenly burst into tears or why it was that he couldn’t look him in the eye any longer. He had no excuse, not a single one, to explain what he was doing… Or to want what he wanted. No reason to lean up and kiss the breath right out of Yixing…

At least, not in Yixing’s eyes, did he have any reason to crave, to touch, to hurt, to _love_ as he did then.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae blurted, pushing Yixing away from him a little too hard.

Yixing, confused, but ever so patient with Jongdae, smiled, “It’s okay. We’re all overworked and tired,” he said and it became clear to Jongdae then that Yixing thought that he was stressed out. _An excuse_.

He nodded, “Yeah.”

That was how Jongdae left things between himself and Yixing shortly after their comeback with ‘Wolf.’ Instead, he pretended that nothing had changed at all, when, in fact, his entire world had.

When he thought about it, he had no idea what he could say or what he could do. If Yixing was aware of their past, then he did a really good job of pretending like nothing had ever happened. If Yixing wasn’t aware of their past, then Jongdae had no idea how to approach him with feelings of an entirely different nature.

How, he wondered, could he tell Yixing that he loves him? How could he say that he had always loved him, from a time long ago until even now?

Jongdae, for the first few days of coming to know the truth, honestly believed that he may have snapped somewhere between his debut and the stress of promotions. He would wake up in the middle of the night in terror, his chest rising and falling as he tried to fill his lungs with air. Other nights he would wake up choking on his sobs, crying into his pillow. On most nights, though, he wouldn’t sleep at all, choosing to stare at the ceiling and wonder about everything until Minseok would tell him it was time to get out of bed.

After nights like those, Jongdae wondered if he looked as tired as he felt. Someone had to notice that he was exhausted almost every day, trudging through choreography until he collapsed during breaks. Someone had to notice that he wasn’t sleeping enough so that when he was in the recording studio for their next album his voice cracked on every note. Someone _had_ to notice that he was not okay.

Yixing, for all his cluelessness, had noticed.

“Are you alright?” Yixing had asked one day, cornering Jongdae in his room.

For just a second, Jongdae thought maybe Yixing _remembered_ something. Jongdae wanted to test the waters, wanted to pull and see whether or not Yixing would push away or hang on.

It took all of his courage in that moment to step up to Yixing until they were eye to eye, “Do you remember?”

Ever patient, kind Yixing blinked in surprise, “Remember what, Jongdae?”

“The promise you made to me.”

 

II.

_The sky’s light had just been consumed by the darkness of the night when torches and lanterns appeared against the stark black backdrop of the palace gates. Prince Jongdae stood rigidly on the palace stairs with his hands folded behind his back in waiting for the approaching company. A chill of wind rustled through his robes, but Jongdae did not move as he watched the light of the fire grow in size._

_A crowd of about fifty men or more appeared before him, silent as they marched into the courtyard with their swords hanging in their hilts. The Prince looked to the General awaiting an explanation for the intrusion upon his night when three men bound in rope shackles were tossed on the ground. They cast themselves before Jongdae, two of the three prostrating and begging for his highness’ benevolence. One of them did not. He kneeled there with his head hung in shame and though he would not look up nor speak, Jongdae found him intriguing. From the shape of his outline, Jongdae could easily tell that this man was the leader of the trio before him and that whatever this was, surely it would not end well for either of them._

_“What is the meaning of this?” Jongdae’s advisor questioned, but Jongdae raised his hand to silence the man._

_“Explain yourselves.” Jongdae spoke, looking down at the three before him._

_Neither said a single word until the one in the middle looked up from underneath his messy hair. Jongdae was instantly enamoured by the man with the most handsome face he had ever seen in his lifetime, and he wanted more than anything in that moment to touch him._

_“We come from China, across your Northern borders,” he said with accented Korean, “We were sent-”_

_“Silence.” Jongdae demanded, quieting the man and creating a soft murmur among the men who awaited the command to give punishment unto the foreigners they had captured._

_“Your highness,” Jongdae’s advisor began, but Jongdae would hear nothing._

_“You have all taken a peaceful night and ruined it for your Prince,” Jongdae said, turning his eyes to the General, “Remove these men from my sight, except for this one.” he then pointed to the man in the middle, who looked up at Jongdae with surprise in his expression._

_“Your highness,” Jongdae’s advisor began, exasperated, but Jongdae silenced him once more._

_“Do not question me,” Jongdae commanded, “Take him inside.”_

_Darkness was slowly beginning to fill the sky as the clouds covered over the stars and the moon. With each passing hour it only grew darker and with the cover of the shadows, Jongdae took his new prisoner into his room. Few lanterns kept the space lit enough for Jongdae and the man to see each other clearly should they stand close enough together._

_Jongdae watched as the man awaited on his knees with head bowed. From the low light, he could see the harsh cuts and bruises covering the man’s face and the dirt that stained his robe. It was immediately clear that this man was of a higher rank from which he came and yet here he knelt before the Prince of another territory. Something about the vulnerable that position the prisoner was in made Prince Jongdae feel immensely powerful. Yet, he was not someone who would take another man’s life in his own hands without a cause._

_An overbearing silence lingered in the air between them for a long time. The man never wavered once as he kneeled upon the hard cypress flooring, keeping his head down in, what Jongdae came to realize was, not shame, but in respect for the Prince. Impressed by the man’s perseverance, Jongdae was suddenly very aware of the type of man he was._

_“Do you know why you are here?” Jongdae asked, breaking the stillness of the room._

_The man nodded._

_“You are to speak when you are spoken to.”_

_“Yes.”_

_Pleased, Jongdae demanded, “Why are you here?”_

_“I am your prisoner.”_

_Jongdae hummed and nodded, “Perhaps it may seem this way, but that is far from the truth. You are no prisoner of mine, for you are free to walk out that door any time you wish. You are not a slave to my command as you do not hail from my Kingdom. No, you are here before me, because you came to me. Did you not wish to seek council with me?”_

_The man remained firm in his response, “I was sent-”_

_“Yes, and now you are here,” Jongdae interjected, amused._

_“May I speak candidly, Your Highness?” The man asked after several minutes of further silence. Jongdae’s lips twitched into a smile - this man was becoming more interesting by each passing moment,_

_“Please do.”_

_“You could have had us killed, but you chose not to let us confess.”_

_The prince quirked an eyebrow, “What gave you that impression?”_

_The man took a deep breath and made eye contact for the first time with Jongdae, “I was about to confess to my crimes and you silenced me. If I had confessed to being-”_

_“Stop,” Jongdae commanded, “I do not wish to hear it. I do not wish to hear what you have done or what you were planning to do with me and my state. Your friends have confessed to their crimes and I have no choice, but to punish them. However, you,” he paused a moment and shook his head, “You knew your crimes and accepted your fate. You were honest and loyal. I could use someone like you in my ranks. Honesty is a rarity in the palace these days and I need someone who is as eager as you are to tell me the truth.”_

_The man broke eye contact and bowed his head, “They were not my friends.” he muttered, “Your Highness, they were my enemy from the beginning.”_

_“What was your goal in coming here, if it was not the same as theirs?”_

_“Peace,” he said, “My only wish is for peace.”_

_Jongdae hummed, “You and I seem to have the same goal for our people, Yixing.”_

_The man, Yixing, looked up surprised, “You know who I am.”_

_“Of course,” Jongdae smiled, “Prince Yixing.”_

_“I am no prince,” Yixing was quick to reply, “I am the youngest son of a consort and the Emperor of China. I am an outcast among my family. Do not associate me with those people.” he looked once more into Jongdae’s curious eyes, “I am not my family. I do not want the same things that they want.”_

_“And what do you want?” Jongdae tested, tilting Yixing’s head up with a gentle hold on his chin._

_He watched as Yixing swallowed the lump in his throat, “To serve you.”_

 

III.

The day Jongdae remembered his past was a day he wished he could forget.

He could never let go of the look in Yixing’s eyes when he asked if Yixing remembered the promise. Yixing had been so upset when he thought he’d forgotten a promise that they made to each other in this life. It hurt Jongdae so much to see how awful Yixing felt. It was unfair that he had asked such a question when it was clear that the latter never remembered anything from… _Before_.

Jongdae had been too selfish in assuming so and hadn’t thought about how it would affect his dear friend. Yixing was too kind and sweet, so naturally he would feel terrible if he thought he’d hurt Jongdae in any way. He had thought that if the memories had returned to him, then surely they would have come back to Yixing too… He had thought wrong.

“I’m so sorry, Jongdae,” Yixing sniffled, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

_It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault._

Jongdae wanted to say those words out loud, but instead he cried. He cried because Yixing was holding him so tenderly and he craved the touch so much that it hurt. It hurt so much to have Yixing love him as anything but a lover. It hurt so much that he had to remember and Yixing didn’t.

He told himself that day that he would do anything to forget those memories. He would suppress them and live in this life only. What could he do with such recollections of the past? There was nothing that would change what happened, what would happen, and so he resolved to live as if they didn’t exist.

The task was much easier said than done.

The vivid dreams only became worse after his past life returned to him. Flashes of war and heartbreak kept him awake on most nights and he was unable to sleep for months. Dark circles began to extend under his eyes and the stylists had difficulty covering them up with makeup. It was clear that he was tired in broadcasts and on shows, but he smiled anyway, because that was what he was supposed to do.

Soon enough, the dreams crept into his daily routines and he began to have flashbacks in the middle of recordings and dance practices. He would space out, causing his fellow EXO members to worry over him. Apology after apology left his mouth, even as Yifan chastised him for not getting enough sleep. Not even Yifan’s words were enough to cause him the pain that he felt when Yixing looked at him with sad eyes and asked what was wrong.

_I love you, that’s what’s wrong. I love you._

“Nothing, hyung,” Jongdae would smile forcefully and Yixing would ruffle his hair or, worse, kiss his cheek.

His next tactic to avoid the memories becoming too intense causing them to flood back to him, was to pretend Yixing wasn’t there. The close quarters of their dorm in China did not make avoiding Yixing easy, especially when he was always coming by to ask Jongdae if he was busy or if he wanted to go eat something. Jongdae needed a distraction.

Zitao proved to be the best distraction of them all.

“Gege,” Zitao whispered, slipping into Jongdae’s bed one night, “I can’t sleep. I’m scared.”

Jongdae blinked into the darkness at Zitao’s frame, “There’s no need to be scared,” he reassured, wrapping an arm around the younger’s waist.

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” Zitao whispered against Jongdae’s neck and Jongdae shuddered.

“I can’t sleep either.” the elder admitted, petting Zitao’s hair.

Zitao sighed and held onto Jongdae tightly, “Let’s stay awake together.” he whispered.

When Jongdae was with Zitao, there was never a time that they weren’t giggling with each other or smiling. But their relationship was more of a diversion than it was anything for either of them. Zitao needed someone to pick him up when he was lonely and Jongdae needed someone else to look at other than Yixing. Most, if not all, of their time together was spent cuddling in bed, really, sharing with each other their fears and dreams when they were unable to sleep.

Without even realizing it, Yixing became a distraction from his distraction. And it wasn’t until Zitao was leaving that he even noticed it. Whenever Zitao was watching Jongdae, Jongdae was watching Yixing. And maybe if he hadn’t spent so much time watching Yixing, he might’ve noticed how Zitao was feeling, he might’ve seen this coming.

“You were always distracted, ge,” Zitao said sadly, “Even when you were with me, you were always looking at him.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae cried, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” Zitao assured him with a soft kiss, “You helped me discover myself and for that I’m so grateful, ge.”

This only made Jongdae cry more, because Zitao was always so loving and he had been so selfish, “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered. _So selfish._

Zitao smiled and held Jongdae in his arms one last time, “I’ll call you all the time. When we’re not busy, I’ll even visit..”

Jongdae laughed through the tears, pressing his face into Zitao’s chest, “It feels like EXO is coming to an end.”

“No,” Zitao shook his head and carded his fingers through Jongdae’s hair, “It may feel like an end, but it is a new beginning. For both of us, ge.”

Jongdae watched with tear filled eyes on the day that Zitao left the dorm for the last time. It hurt him so deeply to see his friend go, but Zitao was not someone you could keep tied down. Not now, not then, not ever. Jongdae wasn’t one to get in the way of his dream either and as painful as it was, he had to let go of Zitao. After all, he still had Yixing and EXO was still going strong even after the messes that were 2014 and 2015.

EXO would be okay.

Zitao would be okay.

 _He_ would be okay too.

_It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay, it’ll be okay._

That’s what Jongdae told himself when Yixing said he had to go. That’s what he told himself when Yixing came to say goodbye. That’s what he told himself every day he never heard from Yixing at all.

It was not okay.

In 2016, Yixing had to leave and it was _not_ okay.

“I’ll miss you,” Yixing said, holding Jongdae tight in his arms, “I’m so sorry I have to go, but I’m not going to be gone.” he whispered as Jongdae sobbed. Yixing cried too, and Jongdae hurt, “I still don’t want you to go,” he admitted, “Don’t leave me,” _again, don’t leave me again…_

Yixing left for the airport with his bags and Jongdae watched from the windows of the dorm as the van drove away.

Jongdae was _not okay_.

 

IV.

_The Northern borders of the Kingdom were on the brink of battle with the struggling alliances and the failed attempts at creating peace between two powers that desired land more than they needed unity. War was eminent and Prince Jongdae had been aware of this for well over a year now since the day he had intercepted the Chinese spies. Unlike his enemy, Jongdae had been preparing, not just to defend from potential attacks, but to crush the conflict entirely should it arise._

_Yixing had proved to be more than just the son of a consort hailing from the North. He had been appointed as the General in less than a year of his arrival and had also become Jongdae’s personal guard. The rate at which Yixing climbed the ranks was much a topic of discussion among the people and many rumours speculated at his rise._

_It was not common knowledge to the people of the Kingdom to know that Yixing had been a spy sent by China and it was certainly not common for them to know that Yixing was related to the royalty there. What was common, however, was the knowledge that there was something special between Yixing and Jongdae. No one quite knew what that was, but the two were very close for a Prince and his guard. Those were the rumours that spread throughout the Kingdom and into the Kingdoms of the South._

_Prince Jongdae was not one to care for those rumours, even as the speculations of his incapability to rule were brought to his attention. He ignored them in favour of focusing on the more important task at hand. Gaining the control over the Northern border would allow him to conduct the peace he wished so desperately for his Kingdom. If he could bring an end to the war, then he would be the first of his line to succeed in a peaceful reign._

_This was perhaps one of the traits that made Yixing admire the young Prince. As fierce and as stubborn as Yixing was, he could not help the soft spot that had developed for Jongdae. Especially late at night when he would guard the study, watching Jongdae trace delicate lines on paper that described the patterns of the foreseeable war. Yixing was captivated by the calm stature of the Prince who planned everything as meticulously as possible, leaving little room for error._

_They spent much time together, in deep thought over the actions that they could take and how to raise a strong military, which would bring them their victory. Yixing knew of the weak spots in the Chinese military and was not afraid to divulge those secrets with his new leader. There was little for Yixing to fear as they had sent envoys to China with news of his death. He was unsurprised to find that his own Kingdom did not care much as was his brothers’ plan to remove him as a possible heir to the throne._

_It was soon after that when Yixing spilled all of the secrets he knew of China’s plans to Jongdae while the Prince sat there in a silent admiration for the courage in his new guard. That was when Jongdae had, without hesitation, promoted Yixing so far up into his ranks. It was also, perhaps, one of the decisions that Jongdae would most come to regret. If only he had known it then, maybe he would have kept Yixing by his side forever._

_A year was spent in planning for the attack in the North. Jongdae and Yixing increasingly devoted more and more time together in the study, making plans and narrowing down their weakest points in order to work on them. Hours would turn to days and the two would not move from each other’s side as they discussed their mission._

_Somewhere along the way, Jongdae noticed himself admiring more than just Yixing’s courage. There was a kindness in Yixing that he found in no one else and an honesty in his character that made Jongdae trust him wholeheartedly to see him in his lowest moments. He came to admire the gentle curve of Yixing’s neck, the strength in his hands and the broadness of his shoulders. He came to admire the physical aspects of Yixing that made him look like he truly was a member of a royal household and there was something so attractive about that quality._

_Prince Jongdae began wanting things from Yixing, but he was not sure how to ask. He had the ability to take what he desired, but he would not. Not from someone like Yixing who had given up everything just to serve him. So he watched with longing as his General turned his volunteers into soldiers and turned his boring court life into one of passion._

_If only Jongdae had not told himself that they had time together and that they could wait. He would wait until after the war and then he would let his heart be his guide, but there was a problem with this. Patience as a virtue was not one that Jongdae bore well. So, when the time came, he was not ready to let go, not ready to endure the pain of waiting._

_“I received word from the Northern border about the raid of the nearby town,” Yixing said one day and Jongdae’s heart clenched tight in his chest, “Our soldiers should leave as quickly as possible. I propose, at the latest, one day after tomorrow should we begin our travel. The old Kingdom will be celebrating their minor victory and will not be expecting an entire army to arrive.”_

_Jongdae had known that this day would come. The day that Yixing would leave him. There was much that he wanted to say to this man who had become so close to him and yet he hadn’t the words to express a single thought._

_Concerned by his Prince’s silence, Yixing began to fill it with travel plans and the resource details shared with him that morning as he could recall from memory. Jongdae was not listening and Yixing realized this far too belatedly into his speech. The Prince was staring at him with a look he could not place and he was not sure if his body was starting to shake from the anxiety of wars or from the nervousness that he was beginning to feel under the intense stare of his Prince._

_“Don’t go,” Jongdae said finally, effectively cutting off Yixing’s words._

_Yixing stuttered on his utterance, struggling to regain the composure he seemed to lose in the presence of Jongdae, “You know I cannot do that. I am the General.”_

_“What if you were not?” Jongdae asked hopefully._

_The nervousness that Yixing was feeling suddenly started to stir and bubble into a tension he did not understand. Prince Jongdae had a way of making him feel like this on occasion and he could never perceive the reason why it hurt in his chest or why he wanted more than anything to burst into tears at the very idea of leaving. He knew that this day would come, they both had known, so why could he not let go now?_

_“Your Highness,” Yixing said in exasperation, but his voice came out small in comparison to the manner in which he had just been speaking._

_Jongdae squeezed his hands into fists at his side and took a deep breath. He felt as though he could cut the strain between them with his sword if he so desired. There was something there just hanging in the open, but neither of them could say what it was, what it is. But the pressure building from the deafening silence, well it troubled them, until one of them snapped._

_“Do not call me that,” Jongdae yapped as he approached Yixing quickly, “Do not call me anything,” he growled, reaching out to grasp the collar of Yixing’s robes, “Do not call me anything if it is not-”_

_“If it is not what?” Yixing challenged, his voice cracking from the dryness building in his throat._

_Jongdae did not respond to the question, instead choosing to press a kiss against Yixing’s mouth and hope that this was enough._

_He quickly realized that this was not enough and that waiting for Yixing to return to him would be too much._

_“If it is not ‘my love,’” Jongdae whispered, the tears pricking in his eyes, causing Yixing to hold the younger against him._

_“My love,” Yixing whispered to gratify the Prince, but instead he felt his heart shatter at the thought of leaving this man he called his own._

_Within two days, Yixing left to lead the army to the North and Jongdae watched all the while as the military disappeared into the horizon and for days after that. Yes, Jongdae thought as he clutched the General’s dagger in his hands, Yixing would come back to him._

 

V.

Yixing was barely gone for a week and Jongdae moped around the dorm like a ghost - empty, lonely and without purpose. Baekhyun made many failed attempts to bring back the smile to Jongdae’s face, Junmyeon joining in every now and again. The pranks and the corny jokes couldn’t even crack more than a small twitch of Jongdae’s lips on a good day.

Instead, Jongdae more often than not paced around the dorm with his cellphone clutched in his hands, waiting to hear back from Yixing. Had he slept enough? Was he eating well? Did he miss him?

“Jongdae,”

That deep voice startled him from his thoughts and Jongdae snapped his head up to look at Chanyeol standing in the doorway with a sheepish grin on his face. Jongdae blinked slowly, waiting for the younger to say something, suddenly wondering why it was that Chanyeol had never tried to make Jongdae cheer up yet. It seemed _odd_ considering Chanyeol’s character, because Chanyeol was always the first to his side to make him laugh.

“Can I come in?”

Jongdae nodded and watched as the younger entered and sat next to him. He anticipated goofy smiles and stupid jokes, maybe an invitation to play games with him on the new laptops Chanyeol had splurged on for all of the members, but that was not what Jongdae got.

Chanyeol never looked this shy before, not in front him anyway, so Jongdae waited patiently for Chanyeol to say or do something, anything. He hadn’t been expecting to be pulled into Chanyeol’s arms, or for Chanyeol to pet his head and whisper in his ear that ‘I’m here.’

Jongdae was pleasantly surprised to find that Chanyeol was willing to stay close with him and to hold onto him even during his darkest days. Oftentimes, Jongdae had felt like a lost cause to the other members whenever Yixing wasn’t around, but Chanyeol put in the effort to understand him. He gave him space when he needed it and held him close when he needed that more.

It was as if, somehow, Chanyeol knew Jongdae better than Jongdae knew himself. He wondered briefly, one night, for how long Chanyeol had been watching him. Or if Chanyeol had been watching him at all. Yet none of that seemed to matter when Chanyeol would smile at him and Jongdae’s heart would swell with affection for his younger friend.

For the first time, Jongdae truly felt like he had someone who understood him.

Of all of Jongdae’s distractions from Yixing, Chanyeol was his favourite. Simply because Chanyeol didn’t feel like a distraction, he genuinely felt like someone who filled the empty void in his chest. He was good at making Jongdae forget that he was in any pain at all from the loss of his lover in one life and his best friend in another. He was good at making Jongdae forget about Yixing.

And Chanyeol, for all he was worth, was overly accommodating for Jongdae. He did everything to make sure Jongdae was comfortable and content, to make sure that Jongdae wasn’t consumed with thoughts of self destruction. Because the last time Jongdae was alone, he hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, hadn’t been willing to come out of his room.

This time, Chanyeol was going to make sure that Jongdae stayed safe in his arms for as long as he could. For there was nothing scarier to Chanyeol than losing Jongdae, and to Jongdae there was nothing scarier than being alone without someone to hold him. And Chanyeol... Well, Chanyeol was willing to do _anything_ to protect Jongdae.

On Jongdae’s darker days, Chanyeol found that music was the way to pull him from the depths of his mind and his thoughts. Chanyeol would take out his guitar or would turn on his keyboard and start playing a song. More often than not, Jongdae’s voice would begin to hum a tune along with the chords that Chanyeol would create. It would almost always end in cuddles and giggles on the floor of Chanyeol’s room, or among the covers in Jongdae’s bed.

They slowly became inseparable and, despite missing Yixing deeply, Jongdae realized he had Chanyeol. He would always have Chanyeol, because Chanyeol had always been there with him even from the beginning. Even back when they were trainees. Before there was Yixing, there was Chanyeol, and Jongdae wondered why he had never seen it before.

Sure, Chanyeol had a big heart and loved everyone with his whole being, but when it came to Jongdae… Well, Jongdae pulled out the softest parts of Chanyeol, molding him so that he wrapped around Jongdae’s heart securely. Chanyeol let his behaviour find a way of expressing just how deeply he cared about his hyung. Behind all of his goofy demeanor, Chanyeol had an incredibly sincere soul, always putting others ahead of himself.

“Chanyeol likes you,” Baekhyun had said once, making Jongdae’s heart leap into his throat.

“Chanyeol likes everyone.” Jongdae countered, trying not to make eye contact with Chanyeol who waved at him from the other side of the recording room - he looked so soft with pastel rainbow hair.

“Chanyeol _really_ likes you.” Baekhyun grinned suggestively and Jongdae almost pulled on the black and red of his supposed friend’s stupid mullet.

“Everyone really likes me,” Jongdae said, tousling his freshly dyed hair - the blonde was something he never thought he’d ever commit to, but he really liked how it turned out.

“Chanyeol likes your blonde hair too,” Baekhyun continued, succeeding in all of his attempts to be annoying, “He couldn’t stop talking about it when he first saw you.”

“You know what else he couldn’t stop talking about?” Jongdae grumbled, hiding his flushed face from Baekhyun by choosing to look at Chanyeol’s stupidly cute cotton candy hair, “How ridiculous you look in a mullet.”

“I would be offended if I didn’t agree,” Baekhyun sighed.

As if on cue, Chanyeol approached them with a smile, “What are you guys talking about?” he asked, arms easily slipping around Jongdae from behind like Jongdae was meant to fit there in his arms.

Baekhyun snickered, “Your stupid unicorn hair.”

“Hey,” Chanyeol pouted and looked down at Jongdae, “Does my hair look stupid?”

Jongdae nearly choked - Chanyeol looked pretty good from this angle, “No.”

Chanyeol laughed in triumph, his chest rumbling and sending a pleasant vibration through Jongdae, “If anyone’s hair looks stupid, it’s Baekhyun’s.”

Jongdae laughed then too, “He’s right.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “No offense, but did you even see Jongin on the MV set?”

“At least mine wasn’t permanent, hyung.” Jongin pouted and Chanyeol laughed, reaching out to squeeze Jongin’s shoulder as he approached.

Even after Chanyeol reached out to Jongin, his arms still found their way back to Jongdae like a magnet unable to fight off the attraction. Chanyeol’s chin rested on top of Jongdae’s blonde hair while they all continued to bicker back and forth until their manager called out. It wasn’t until Chanyeol had moved into the recording booth that Jongdae realized Chanyeol had not let him go, not once.

Jongdae had thought that Chanyeol just cared about everyone like this. But he began to recognize the way that Chanyeol’s glance would linger on him a little longer, how Chanyeol’s hands would squeeze his own a little tighter, how Chanyeol’s hugs were exceptionally tender whenever he would wrap his arms around Jongdae’s small shoulders. He recognized it, just barely, because he acted the same way with Yixing.

Only it was easier to pretend like Chanyeol’s actions were not similar to his own. It was easier, because Jongdae was terrified to lose his hold on Yixing. Or maybe it was just the memory of Yixing he was scared of losing. Jongdae’s feelings between this life and his last life were blurred far too much and he struggled to disconnect them from one another. The more time he spent with Chanyeol, the less he thought about Yixing and that worried him, because Yixing had once been his whole world.

“Stop it, hyung, you’re cheating,” Chanyeol whined, furiously hitting the keyboard of his laptop.

“Am not,” Jongdae snorted, clicking the trackpad of his laptop and grinning in victory when Chanyeol’s character fell lifeless in the game.

“Hyung,” Chanyeol whined, “You’re such a cheater,” he groaned, reaching out for Jongdae to seek revenge tickles - obviously.

Jongdae squealed, falling right into Chanyeol’s hold, the laptop slipping from his hands and landing on the floor with a thud. Chanyeol laughed all deep and rumbling like he usually did and Jongdae did his best not to blush when the taller buried his face into the crook of his neck. This was how Jongdae forgot about Yixing, forgot about his worries and his doubts, and fell right into Chanyeol like he was some kind of trap. A warm, comforting, loving trap that Jongdae could have stayed happily in.

Everything about that changed within the matter of a few seconds.

“Jongdae?”

 _Oh God, that voice._ Jongdae could recognize that voice from miles away, from lifetimes away.

“Yixing,” Jongdae breathed, rising quickly from Chanyeol’s lap and turning to look at the doorway of Chanyeol’s room, “Yixing,” he said a little louder this time, grin spreading incredibly wide across his face, “You’re back.”

 

VI.

_Prince Jongdae sat in waiting, having heard the news of victory over China. He knew that it was a matter of days before Yixing would return._

_The night that his General entered his bedchamber, Jongdae could barely control himself._

_Yixing was still heaving with exhaustion from his travels and he was sure he was unkempt from the battle and the trek home. That did not stop him from marching directly to Prince Jongdae with the tinder of desire burning in his heart. He had thought of this for far too long and he was done with waiting._

_“Yixing,” Jongdae whispered and it was enough to make Yixing’s inner being turn to fire._

_“Yixing,” Jongdae repeated, as he led the General to his bed by the hand, “I never thought that I would see you again.”_

_Yixing tightened his grip on Jongdae’s hand, anticipation thrumming in him like the steady beat of a drum, “I could never leave you, Jongdae.”_

_They shared their first kiss together by the pale moonlight of Jongdae’s room. Yixing’s entire being filled with flame as he kissed Jongdae with the ferocity of a General and the passion of a young lover - hungry for the man before him. Jongdae whined in the back of his throat, breathy and high pitched, making Yixing want, want him so much more._

_Jongdae’s fingers pulled at the fabric of Yixing’s robes, desperate to touch Yixing the way he had always wanted. As his fingers brushed the skin of Yixing’s neck, the desire left a burning trail upon the softness and his body kindled with the heat of a thousand suns. Never in his life had Jongdae wanted something more than he wanted Yixing._

_Yixing allowed Jongdae to undress him, allowed Yixing to kiss him, to touch him and feel him under aggressive fingertips. Yixing wanted as much as Jongdae did, wanted to have him if he were given the permission to. He wanted, but he knew he could not ever fully have him. Tonight, tonight he would pretend, tonight he would take without the consequences. Tonight he would make Jongdae his._

_Jongdae let Yixing undress him, tearing clothing from his body in his intense craving to touch and feel. And Jongdae was so willing, so eager for Yixing to expose him, to see him at his most vulnerable as Jongdae had seen him. For Jongdae knew that this may be their only chance, that this may be the one time that they can have what they want and to fully devote themselves to one another._

_One night, they spent in absolute passion. Jongdae spread himself on the bed, chest rising and falling at a steady rate in his anticipation to be touched. Yixing slipped into the bed, crawling over his Prince and feeling his chest swell with nothing but affection for the young man._

_“I want you,” Jongdae gasped as Yixing’s lips pressed fiery kisses into his neck, “I want you here,” he cried as he took Yixing’s hand and brought it down between his legs._

_Yixing growled lowly, spreading his Prince’s legs wide to expose the pink, puffy hole hidden there. Jongdae moaned unabashedly, uncaring if anyone knew that he was being taken by his General, that he was weak in the arms of someone who was his enemy a few ago. Impatient, Yixing brushed the pad of his thumb over the softness and felt Jongdae’s body instantly clench at the subtle touch._

_“Yes,” Jongdae whined, “Touch me there. Want you there.”_

_Yixing groaned as he rubbed Jongdae’s hole with oil slicked fingers, mind hazy with lust. Jongdae jerked his hips, pushing onto the tips of Yixing’s long fingers, and squeezed his eyes shut in pleasure as they stretched him open. The warmth was so tight and so inviting, Yixing could barely control himself as he pushed his fingers in and pulled them out at a pace that had Jongdae panting and begging for more._

_“Jongdae,” Yixing whispered, “My prince, my love,” he moaned as he finally pushed himself inside of Jongdae, back arching with the pleasure he felt._

_They made love like that, sweaty and desperate, on Jongdae’s bed. Jongdae had never felt so good or so full before and he never wanted to lose that feeling. He whimpered with each thrust that shifted his body up the silk blankets, meeting Yixing weakly as he scrambled to grab his shoulders._

_Nothing could take this moment from them and nothing could stop Yixing from fucking into Jongdae’s tight heat. It was somewhere between the thrusting, between the heavy panting, that they looked into each other’s eyes and everything seemed to be perfect in the world._

_Jongdae and Yixing were in love._

_It was Yixing who spoke first after it all, “I want to tell you that everything will be good now. That you will be safe. As your General, I cannot lie to you. This victory was only the beginning.”_

_“Stop,” Jongdae said sternly, his fingers trailing down Yixing’s body in a much more tender manner, “I do not wish to talk about it-”_

_Yixing flipped suddenly, settling on top of Jongdae, “You must listen, because I do not want to lose you. The fight will not be won so easily,” he explained quietly, his hand coming down to cup Jongdae’s cheek, “We may be parted once more.”_

_Jongdae frowned and pulled Yixing down to him in order to kiss his lips, “Promise me,” Jongdae sighed into Yixing, “Promise me that if anything were to happen to us, that we will find each other again.”_

_“I promise,” Yixing whispered, “In our next life.”_

 

VII.

To Chanyeol’s credit, he had only appeared to be hurt for a brief second before he stood up from the floor and pulled both Jongdae and Yixing into his arms for an unbearably tight group hug. He laughed when Jongdae swatted him away and when Yixing pinched Jongdae’s cheek telling him to be nice. And Jongdae didn’t exactly notice when Chanyeol’s smile fell a little as he walked away with Yixing to go say hi to the others, because Yixing hadn’t seen them yet.

It would be inaccurate to say that Jongdae had completely forgotten about Chanyeol once Yixing had returned to the dorms. It would, however, be slightly more correct to say that Jongdae had momentarily erased all the time he had spent without Yixing, which meant he had let it slip from his mind that Chanyeol had been there for him when Yixing was not.

“How long are you here for?” Jongdae asked excitedly, clinging onto Yixing’s arm.

“Only a few days,” Yixing said and though he smiled, he still sounded sad.

“Only a few?” Jongdae tried not to think about it, tried not to show Yixing exactly how upset he was.

“Let’s enjoy it while I’m here,” Yixing smiled and Jongdae smiled too.

The funny thing about days, is that they actually go by rather quickly. Much to Jongdae’s disdain, Yixing’s three days in South Korea were more like three hours. Between meetings with the company and discussions of their future schedules, Jongdae barely got to see Yixing at all.

Somehow that was worse than Yixing not being around in the first place. Knowing that Yixing was there, but that he couldn’t be with him… Jongdae was reminded of all the pain he had tried to conceal in the first place, because loving Yixing from afar was so much easier than loving him this close.

“I was sad that I didn’t hear from you much while you were away,” Jongdae admitted when Yixing had finally found the free time to join him.

Yixing forced a smile, “I’m sorry I have been so busy with my schedules,” he said this as he took Jongdae’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers together, “I like the blonde.”

Jongdae’s face flushed, “Thank you.”

“Junmyeon told me that you were very upset when I left. I wish I didn’t have to go again. I miss being around you and the rest of our members.” Yixing squeezed Jongdae’s hand, “I heard that Chanyeol was able to cheer you up.”

Jongdae’s eyebrows rose in surprise at the mention of Chanyeol’s name, “I guess.”

“Chanyeol is good at making people happy,” Yixing said sincerely, “I’m glad that you have him.”

 _I’m glad that I have him too_ , Jongdae thought.

As quickly as Yixing had arrived in South Korea, he was leaving again already. He had schedules to attend to and appearances to uphold. While Jongdae tried to reason with his mind that it was Yixing’s duty to go back to China, it didn’t hurt any less when Yixing kissed the top of his head and wished him ‘good luck’ on their upcoming comeback.

Jongdae almost instantly fell right back into his self destructive routine, only this time, Chanyeol was there to catch him right away. He didn’t question Jongdae’s depressive behavior nor did he force Jongdae to act like he was happy. Chanyeol was just there for him and that was all Jongdae really needed.

It was hard for Jongdae to laugh and put on his happiest face for the fans during Ko Ko Bop promotions when the last thing he wanted to do was smile. All it took was one glance from Chanyeol and that was enough to push him through interviews and broadcasts, because he found that Chanyeol was always looking at him. Chanyeol had become his best friend and, more importantly, Chanyeol had become someone that Jongdae could _trust_.

“Can I tell you something?” Jongdae asked the night after Ko Ko Bop took first place, curled up snuggly in Chanyeol’s bed.

“You can tell me anything,” Chanyeol mumbled sleepily as he settled against his pillow and let his fingers play with Jongdae’s strikingly blonde hair - Jongdae shivered.

“You won’t laugh, right?” he asked while making himself comfortable.

“I promise,” Chanyeol smiled and slipped his arms around Jongdae’s waist, “I won’t laugh.”

Jongdae closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I lived a long time ago as someone else in a different life.”

“Reincarnation...” Chanyeol mumbled, understanding what Jongdae was trying to explain, his eyes fluttering shut as he began to drift off.

“And so did…” Jongdae paused for a moment and sighed, “Yixing.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol said, now looking down at Jongdae with wide eyes.

“He and I were… We were…” Jongdae struggled to find the right words - how could he explain this?

“We were lovers, Chanyeol. Yixing and I were lovers.”

“Oh,”

Jongdae’s eyes welled with unshed tears and he tried not to cry when he opened his mouth again, “But he… He and I didn’t exactly get our happy ending. We promised to find each other in the next life. This life…” Jongdae finally began to cry, tears blurring his vision and stinging his eyes so much that he had to shut them again, “He doesn’t remember, Chanyeol. He doesn’t remember me.”

“O-Oh,”

“I wish- I wish I hadn’t been reborn here,” Jongdae sobbed then, unable to control himself as he clutched onto his only anchor - Chanyeol, “I wish I had been born far away from him so I would never have to know- I wish- I wish it didn’t hurt so much, I wish I could let go, but my heart hurts so much, Chanyeol. It hurts so much, I want to die.”

Chanyeol shakily raised his hand and carded his fingers through Jongdae’s hair, gently cupping his jaw, “I understand, Jongdae-”

“No you don’t!” Jongdae snapped, his chest heaving with cries and his heart shattering, “You could never understand this… What I’m going through! You’ll never feel this pain, because you don’t have a past to remember!”

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol whispered cautiously, “Jongdae, maybe you’re right, but- Wait, don’t go.” he scrambled as Jongdae squirmed out of his grip and pulled himself out of the bed.

“Jongdae.” Chanyeol called in desperation, “Jongdae! Please, wait!” he gasped as he followed after Jongdae in the darkness, stumbling from the bed until he could wrap his fingers around Jongdae’s wrist to stop him, “Prince Jongdae!”

Jongdae stopped immediately, spinning on his heels to stare at Chanyeol like he was a madman.

“Why?” Chanyeol croaked and for the first time, Jongdae noticed that Chanyeol was crying, “Why him and not me?”

“W-What?”

“You always pick him over me,” Chanyeol sobbed and it stung Jongdae’s chest to see Chanyeol like this, “ _Always_.”

 

VIII.

_As the cherryblossoms bloomed for the first time that spring, a young Prince rode into a field upon his mighty steed. He had just left the Palace of the Kingdom his family had chosen to visit, bored of their talk concerning the future of their two Kingdoms and the possibilities for their familial connections. He did not understand them, so he chose to have fun where and when he could. Even if it meant disobeying his parents._

_When the young Prince arrived at his destination, he found another small boy, perhaps a few years younger than himself, sitting beneath a large oak tree with parchment in his hands. The young Prince grinned to have found a new friend and dismounted his horse, letting the steed roam among the tall grass while he strode through the greenery to reach the boy._

_“Hello,” He said, making the boy look up from his parchment in order to find the source of the voice._

_“Who are you?” The boy demanded without a greeting._

_The Prince frowned, “I am Prince Park Chanyeol.” he declared, “Who are you?”_

_The boy blinked and stood up - his height barely reached the other boy’s, “I am Prince Kim Jongdae.”_

_Chanyeol grinned bright, “You are the son of the Emperor Kim!” he exclaimed, “My Father said that he had a son my age!”_

_Jongdae blinked slowly, “You are Chanyeol… My Mother talked about you. She said that one day we would have to join our Kingdoms.”_

_Chanyeol scrunched up his nose, barely following anything the younger said, “How do you join Kingdoms?”_

_Jongdae shrugged, “I dunno. Maybe we get married.”_

_“Married?” Chanyeol thought about it, “Okay. I will marry you.”_

_Jongdae laughed then and Chanyeol’s face flushed red, “You will marry me?” he giggled and wiped his eyes, “What if I do not want to marry you?”_

_Chanyeol pouted, “Why would you not want to marry me?”_

_“Well, maybe,” Jongdae teased, sticking his tongue out, “Maybe I will marry you.”_

_Chanyeol laughed and gently nudged Jongdae with his shoulder, “Promise?”_

_Jongdae thought for a moment and nodded, “Okay. I promise.”_

_Chanyeol giggled before he slipped one of the necklaces he wore off of his neck. He looked at it for a moment and then held it out to Jongdae, “This is for you.”_

_It was young Prince Jongdae’s turn for his face to become crimson in colour, “What is this for?”_

_“It is a gift,” Chanyeol said like it should have been obvious, even as he acted shy, “For my future husband.”_

_“Oh,” Jongdae chewed his lip before he accepted the necklace, letting Chanyeol put it around his neck, “Thank you.” he hiccuped, as he looked down at the clothes he wore, searching for something to give the taller boy in return._

_“You do not have to give me anything,” Chanyeol said quietly, but Jongdae insisted._

_“Here,” Jongdae mumbled, taking out one of his earrings and handing it to Chanyeol, “This is for you. My future husband.”_

_Chanyeol accepted the small, sapphire jewelry gift bashfully, removing his own earring and replacing it with the one Jongdae had given him, “Thank you.”_

_They were mere children when they had made their juvenile vow, but it rang true with their parents. As the two played in the field, pretending to rule their make-believe Kingdom under the trees, their parents signed an accord that would betrothe the two young Princes, ensuring that one day their Kingdoms might see peace and hopefully join to become the most powerful in Korea._

_“Why?” Jongdae sniffled, rubbing his smalls hands into his eyes to wipe away the tears, “Why do you have to go?”_

_Chanyeol’s lip jutted out sadly and he reached out to take one of Jongdae’s hands in his own, “I will come back for you.”_

_“But,” Jongdae whined, “But I do not want you to go.”_

_Chanyeol squeezed Jongdae’s hand tight and smiled stupidly, even as tears had begun to shed from his own eyes, “I will come back, I promise. I do not want to leave either, but I will always be with you.”_

_Jongdae pouted and looked up at Chanyeol with sad eyes, “How?”_

_Chanyeol pressed his hand against Jongdae’s chest and felt the bump of the necklace he had give Jongdae there, “That is my heart.”_

_Jongdae’s eyes widened, “You gave me your heart? How can you live without it?”_

_Chanyeol licked his lips as he thought of an answer and then he smiled, “I can live without it as long as you keep it safe. Will you do that for me?”_

_Jongdae nodded, laughing the same way he had when they first met, “Silly, this is not your heart.” he grinned and reached out to wrap his arms around Chanyeol, “I know it is not your heart, but I will protect it anyway,” he whispered for only Chanyeol to hear._

_“Do you promise?”_

_“I promise.”_

_One day, the two Princes would meet again. In fact, they did. Perhaps not under the same pretenses as before when they were only at a young age, but they did meet as promised._

_“You know,” Chanyeol’s advisor spoke as they rode towards the Kim Palace, “I have heard that Prince Jongdae has found a companion in a Chinese diplomat.”_

_Chanyeol smiled to himself, “That may very well be,” he hummed as he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, revealing a shining blue earring that glistened in the sunlight despite the age of it, “However, he and I are promised to one another.”_

_The advisor sighed, “Why must you infiltrate his army like this, your Highness? Would it not be better to arrive at his doorstep and claim what is rightfully yours before he comes of age?”_

_Chanyeol shook his head, “If what you say is true, he would likely deny our pact anyway. I would much rather appear before him as a subject to see what kind of ruler he will make. I want him to love me.”_

_“This is meant to be political,” the advisor said exasperated, but Chanyeol paid him no mind, simply thinking of the boy he had left all those years ago._

_Prince Chanyeol’s first glance at Prince Jongdae after nearly a decade was unforgettable. Jongdae was more beautiful than Chanyeol had ever remembered, the Prince’s sight stealing his breath away with a single look from his sharp face and bright eyes. Chanyeol could barely contain his smile at the thought of this man becoming his husband one day and they would, together, save this land from the invaders in the North._

_Except that not even a minute after Chanyeol had seen Jongdae again, he found himself staring at the Chinese diplomat that his advisor had mentioned. Only he was no diplomat, he was a General and certainly an attractive man. However, it was not the man’s looks that shattered Chanyeol’s hopes, but rather the way that Jongdae looked at the man._

_Jongdae straightened the collar of his robes before looking at Yixing expectantly. Yixing smiled at him slightly with kind eyes and Chanyeol had to look away. It felt like he was intruding on something particularly intimate between the two and he was certainly not meant to be viewing such affection._

_“This is Lee Yeol, a warrior from the Park Kingdom.” Yixing introduced the taller male in a formal tone that sounded practiced to the Prince - certainly Yixing had been taught to speak with such a manner and most obviously, to Chanyeol, it was learned from Jongdae._

_“Your Highness,” Chanyeol greeted, still unsure if his pseudonym would be convincing enough._

_“It is a pleasure to meet you, Lee Yeol. Why have the Parks sent you?” Jongdae asked, wind blowing and sending his loose hair into a disarray that made him look even more romantic._

_Chanyeol smiled slightly, “They hope that our Kingdoms will be joined one day. When Prince Chanyeol received word that you would be facing an enemy, he thought it would be best to send his finest warriors to assist.”_

_“He did not confide in me his plans for this,” Jongdae said unamused as he looked Chanyeol up and down with the tiniest glint of recognition, “Why would he do such a thing?”_

_“That would, perhaps, be a conversation better suited for yourself and Prince Chanyeol to have. Though I do not believe that he would have any other ulterior motives to send his soldiers. He simply wishes to protect his comrade in arms.” Chanyeol said, hoping he did not give the impression that he was aware of the agreement between the two Kingdoms, as only a few were given such privileged knowledge._

_Seemingly satisfied with the response, Jongdae nodded his head and turned to Yixing. They exchanged a few words before Chanyeol realized that they were both speaking in Chinese. While he was unfamiliar with the dialect being used, he had known a few of the words that were spoken privately between them. That was why it did not come as a surprise to Chanyeol when Jongdae agreed to accept the arrived help if not only for the encouragement that Yixing had given on his behalf._

_“We look forward to having your troops join us, Lee Yeol.” Yixing said, bowing, and Chanyeol responded with a bow of his own._

_“It is my utmost pleasure to provide such a service to protect Emperor Kim.”_

_The war waged on for years and amidst the letters sent between the battles, Chanyeol became close to General Yixing. He understood why Jongdae would like someone as headstrong and powerful as Yixing certainly was. It pained him then, when Yixing began to value their friendship and comradery in each and every encounter with the enemy, because he was due to marry Jongdae - the man who loved Yixing unconditionally and who was loved by him in return._

_Prince Chanyeol was unsure how he was to break the news that he was in fact not who he said he was and then to claim Jongdae as his husband. This weighed on his conscience particularly heavily, especially when Yixing would confide in him about the details of his relationships and his past. It was only worsened when Chanyeol realized that victory was right around the corner, meaning that once they returned home, he would be obliged to reveal his true identity._

_The troops had been home for a few days having already claimed triumph when it happened. An ambush against the Imperial Palace had surprised the forces there, taking the Palace under control in a matter of minutes. Yixing was the first to enter battle, thinking solely of Jongdae and his safety, leaving Prince Jongdae in his bedchambers alone. Chanyeol followed in pursuit, but he was displeased to discover that they had not been ready whereas the enemy had planned the entire attack to be almost flawless._

_Almost._

_General Yixing was a man of great ability and of a noble heart. He stopped at nothing to keep his love safe, storming into the war on the outskirts of the Palace without so much as a piece of armor to keep him from injury. Nothing pervaded his mind when he swung his sword, clashed against the enemy and fought desperately for his new home._

_The General’s sacrifice for the sake of the Emperor would be remembered forever._

_“Your Highness,” Chanyeol spoke quietly as he entered Jongdae’s bedchambers hesitantly._

_Jongdae did not turn away from the window when he heard a voice that did not belong to Yixing. Instead, his heart fell until it shattered around him, along with the tears that now fell down his face._

_“Prince Jongdae, I am so sorry for your loss.” Chanyeol stated, placing Yixing’s helmet at the foot of Jongdae’s bed. It was then that Jongdae looked over at him, eyes full lifelessness._

_Chanyeol avoided the sadness in Jongdae’s eyes, choosing to look away, “His sacrifice has saved the lives of thousands-”_

_“Leave me,” Jongdae whispered finally, fingers clutching Yixing’s dagger tightly, “Leave me be, Park Chanyeol!” he cried out in sorrow and Chanyeol’s eyebrows rose in height, “Did you think I knew not of who you are?!” Jongdae screamed, pointing the dagger in Chanyeol’s direction, “It should have been you!”_

_Chanyeol stumbled backward, shocked by the outburst. He watched in a silent horror as Jongdae turned the dagger on himself and before he knew what was happening, it was already too late._

_“It will be me instead.” Jongdae choked out._

_That night, the Kim Palace was left without a future Emperor and Chanyeol was left without a husband._

 

IX.

“Why do you remember him… But not me?” Chanyeol demanded, tears streaming down his face.

Jongdae gasped in shock as the memories came back to him - the memories of a naive little boy and his young suitor, “Oh my God… Chanyeol, shit, I- I left you for him,” he choked on a silent sob, his hands coming up to cover his mouth, “I didn’t know, I didn’t… I didn’t know.” he repeated again and again as if it could possibly make this complicated relationship between them any better.

“You left me for him,” Chanyeol cried, cupping Jongdae’s face, “Why am I never good enough for you?”

“Chanyeol,” Jongdae whimpered, “Chanyeol, you’re… I am so sorry. Not once have I looked in your direction yet you have always looked in mine. I don’t deserve you…”

“No,” Chanyeol shook his head furiously, “You will always deserve my love.”

“Chanyeol, Chanyeol,” Jongdae sobbed, “I am so sorry. I-” he sobbed, knees buckling until Chanyeol caught him in his arm.

Chanyeol took a shaking breath before tilting Jongdae’s chin up with two fingers, his eyes searching Jongdae’s for a long time, “Jongdae,”

Jongdae blinked at the sound of his name on Chanyeol’s lips, his heart beating rapidly against his chest. He watched and wondered how he had never seen it there before, the _love_ and _devotion_ in Chanyeol’s eyes whenever he looked at him. He wondered how it was that he had never noticed how his entire being reacted to Chanyeol’s very presence until this moment in time.

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol repeated, softer now as his hands trailed down to touch where imaginary wounds from another lifetime would have been, “Oh God, Jongdae, you’re alive.” he sobbed so hard he couldn’t breathe, “You’re alive,” he whimpered again as he held tightly onto him.

“Chanyeol,” Jongdae whined gripping Chanyeol’s hips tight, “I- I said so many cruel words to you,” he gasped for air as he tried to speak through the heavy sobs that shook him to his core.

Chanyeol sniffled, gently caressing Jongdae’s cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs as he pressed Jongdae into the wall, “I don’t care, Jongdae. I don’t care, because… Because, I love you,” he whispered, doing his best not to give in to his shaking legs, “I love you, Jongdae. I can’t hold it back anymore,” his voice cracked as he spoke, tears still streaming down his face, “I’ve always loved you, I’ll only ever love you.” he admitted, bracing himself against Jongdae.

“I want,” Jongdae hiccuped, trying to calm down, when all he really wanted was to scream in frustration from not remembering and hurting Chanyeol the same way that Yixing had hurt him, “I want to return those feelings- Your feelings for me, I want to have them too-”

“But you can’t…” Chanyeol whispered, his hands dropping to his sides instantly and his legs stumbling backwards at the weight of a second rejection.

“No!” Jongdae gasped and quickly pulled Chanyeol against him, taking them both by surprise as Chanyeol leaned into Jongdae, “I want to return those feelings, so please give me a chance to. This time,” he mumbled, eyes pleading for him as he stared at Chanyeol, “This time I’ll stay by your side.”

Chanyeol swallowed hard, tucking Jongdae under his chin and holding him as they sunk to the floor leaning against the wall, “Do you promise?” he croaked.

Jongdae nodded, rubbing his face wet with tears against the fabric of Chanyeol’s shirt, “And this time I mean it.”

Jongdae curled his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and let him cry into his shoulder for hours as they tangled on the floor in a mess of limbs. It wasn’t until nearly three in the morning that the two finally slipped back under the covers of Chanyeol’s bed. Chanyeol had been afraid to let go of Jongdae, even for a second, and made him stay in his clothes just so Chanyeol could hold him a little longer, a little tighter. Jongdae didn’t mind, not really, because he didn’t feel much like letting go of Chanyeol either.

“Will you be here with me when I wake up?” Chanyeol asked sleepily.

Jongdae nodded, his arms locking around Chanyeol’s frame and his leg hooking over Chanyeol’s own, “I’ll be here.” he promised. And for the first time, Jongdae kept his promise to Chanyeol.

Jongdae woke up first, his head pounding and eyes puffy from the tears of last night. He didn’t particularly care when he looked up to see Chanyeol fast asleep, lips parted as he breathed in and out, against the pillow. It brought Jongdae a sense of unspeakable joy to see Chanyeol’s face so close and to know that Chanyeol trusted him enough to give him his heart, to spill out the raw feelings he had carried with him in silence for so long.

Jongdae’s mind began to wander as he curled into Chanyeol’s warmth and waited for him to wake up. He thought of the little boy prince he had played with under the trees with the long hair and the mismatched earrings, because Chanyeol had insisted on wearing the one that Jongdae had given him no matter what. He thought of the man that came to him years later, to protect him by joining his army when Chanyeol had _known_ that his heart belonged to another man. He thought of the warrior who brought him the heartbreaking news of his lover’s death and the pained expression on Chanyeol’s face as he died in his his arms.

He thought of all of these things so when Chanyeol woke up in the morning, giving him a lopsided grin, he realized he was the luckiest person alive.

“You’re still here,” Chanyeol’s voice was scratchy with sleep.

“Where else would I be?” Jongdae replied cheekily until he had to frantically wipe the tears that had sprung to Chanyeol’s eyes, “I’m sorry-”

“No,” Chanyeol smiled bright even through his watery eyes and captured Jongdae’s hands in his own, “Don’t be. I’m just… So happy, Jongdae. So, so happy.”

It was Jongdae’s turn for his eyes to glisten with tears that welled and when he tried to hide his face, Chanyeol stopped him by cupping his cheeks. They said nothing, the two staring at each other with tears slipping down their cheeks, blushes on their faces and stupid smiles spreading across their mouths. Jongdae kissed Chanyeol first, unable to stop himself from doing so. Chanyeol reciprocated easily, pushing Jongdae back against the mattress slowly, his lips following Jongdae’s as they kissed late into the morning.

Falling in love with Chanyeol was easier than Jongdae thought it was going to be. Between stolen kisses after broadcasts and midnight cuddles back at the dorm, Jongdae quickly learned that he had always loved Chanyeol. Kissing him now, loving him now, it felt so right and he wondered how it was that he missed so much when Chanyeol had always been right beside him.

Sometimes he felt guilty, like he was not enough for Chanyeol, like he didn’t deserve to be with Chanyeol. However, Chanyeol squashed those doubts in Jongdae’s mind with every hug, kiss, touch. Oh and Chanyeol loved to touch him so much - to know that Jongdae was real, to know that Jongdae was right there with him. Jongdae didn’t mind, not at all. He touched, kissed, hugged, loved Chanyeol back with all of his heart and more.

“Hurry,” Jongdae whined, bucking against Chanyeol who responded with a quick kiss against Jongdae’s inviting mouth.

“Shush, Hyung,” Chanyeol whispered, “Patience is a virtue.” he said, curling his fingers inside of Jongdae.

Jongdae’s back arched off the bed and he whined, high-pitched and loud into the room, “Yeol!” he gasped, “Fuck that, just… Just get inside me.”

“Romantic,” Chanyeol mumbled, pushing his fingers back in and brushing Jongdae’s prostate, “Aren’t you, Dae?”

Jongdae laughed breathlessly, “Would it help if I said that I love you?”

Chanyeol snorted and bent over Jongdae to kiss him, “Yes.”

“I do,” Jongdae sighed in bliss, “Just so you know. I do.”

“Do what?” Chanyeol grinned, pulling his fingers out.

“Ah,” Jongdae bit into his lip at the sensation, “Love you. I love you.”

Chanyeol pressed his lips together to suppress a smile, but he ended up giggling instead as he leaned over Jongdae once more, “I love you too.” he whispered, peppering kisses along Jongdae’s jawline as he finally pushed his cock inside of him.

“Chanyeol,” Jongdae moaned as Chanyeol’s hips thrust against his ass.

Chanyeol grunted, his hands splaying across the smaller’s waist, “Hyung,”

With each thrust, Jongdae’s back arched off of the bed, his hands tangling in and pulling at the pale pink of Chanyeol’s hair. Teeth scraped along the sensitive parts of Jongdae’s neck, Chanyeol nipping and smoothing over the bites with the tip of his tongue, tracing nonsensical patterns into his skin. It was so slow between them, explorative and passionate as they discovered each other.

Chanyeol’s thumb brushed over Jongdae’s nipple, causing him to cry out in pleasure, pull Chanyeol’s hair a little harder. Gasped words of encouragement and profanity spilled from Jongdae’s mouth as Chanyeol’s lips attached and sucked on Jongdae’s collarbone where a bruise flourished across his delicate skin. Nails dug into taut flesh, fingertips pressed marks into skin and impressions were made in discreet locations only for the other to ever see.

The bravado of dirty words disappeared as their lips met again in messy kisses. It became more about each other, the physical sex, than it was about the push and pull of flirting and foreplay. Jongdae and Chanyeol panted against each other, gasps and grunts filling the air between them as Chanyeol’s hips snapped into Jongdae. Their bodies were on fire with the absolute desire creating a tension between them that was just on the verge of breaking. Litanies of moans filled the heated room, both lovers on the cusp of climax.

“More, please,” Jongdae whined, rutting up against Chanyeol’s abdomen and Chanyeol replied with a groan in Jongdae’s ear, pushing inside of him and grinding into his tight heat.

Chanyeol’s teeth bit into the juncture of Jongdae’s neck and made him shudder into his orgasm, pushing Jongdae over the edge so that he screamed into the air of the night. He came all over himself, cock jerking as he released, and gripped onto Chanyeol’s shoulders as if he was afraid to let go. Chanyeol slipped his hand down, stroking Jongdae through his orgasm. Chanyeol did not last much longer after that. His erratic thrusts pushed Jongdae up the bed until he spasmed with a cry of pleasure.

Chanyeol collapsed beside Jongdae, looking at him with a lopsided smile and hair plastered to his forehead in a gross, sweaty mess. Jongdae couldn’t help but smile back, because Chanyeol looked just as beautiful like this as he did any other time, any other life, Jongdae had seen him.

“I love you,” Chanyeol whispered, brushing the blonde strands of Jongdae’s bang from his eyes, “So much.”

Jongdae’s heart swelled, “I love you too.” he whispered back, kissing the corner of Chanyeol’s mouth before they giggled against one another.

“We’re going to be so dead tomorrow,” Chanyeol mumbled into Jongdae’s neck, kissing the sensitive bruise he left behind, “Junmyeon is going to murder us.”

Jongdae laughed into Chanyeol’s pink hair as Chanyeol tucked himself into his embrace, “We’ll have to meet again in our next life.”

Chanyeol couldn’t stop the boisterous laugh he let out after hearing that.

 

_BONUS:_

The next morning, Jongdae woke up to find himself wrapped comfortably in Chanyeol’s bed despite feeling gross and kind of sticky. He still smiled up at Chanyeol who returned the smile and kissed the top of Jongdae’s head, earning a mouthful of blonde hair before he chuckled.

Chanyeol began to sing a familiar song, “If we’re born again, if we love again. Let’s do this again.”

Jongdae groaned in embarrassment, burying his face in Chanyeol’s chest, “I swear to God, shut up, you’re so corny.”

“You love it.”

“I do.”


End file.
